Wednesday, January 30, 2013

Struggling with depression

I struggle with knowing if it's right to post this. Hopefully there are other women out there who have struggled and succeeded with my current challenges. I've been feeling extremely frustrated the past few days to the point where I feel like I'm going to explode but have no release valve. I've been praying about it and reading the Bible and trying to avoid causing more stress to my husband but I know I'm failing.

My husband has been working crazy hours for weeks now. He works in IT and holds the highest non-management position in his company. He's worked his way up from a lower position and I'm really proud of him. But now that he's knowlegable, he gets assigned all the hard projects and is the first point of escalation for a number of the other employees. This resposibility is good and has resulted in several pay increases but the hours are horrendous. Last week he worked 81 hours.

My husband works from home but it still feels like he's not here. There is no separation of work and personal time. Because of our religious beliefs, he does not work from sundown Friday to sundown Sabbath but works all the rest of the days. He starts working after sundown Sabbath, a number of hours on Sunday, all day every day during the week and most evenings. I can't remember the last time we had a weekend without work, other than one slow weekend around Christmas.

I try to be thankful for his work. I try to be thankful that we are doing well financially. I try to remember that we are blessed to be employed and live in Washington. But I struggle too with the long hours and how he's always busy and how it seems there is no way that he will ever have the energy or desire to possibly have children. When you constantly work 65-75 hours a week, why would having a baby sound like any fun? My heart aches for a child and now that my husband is working so many hours, I often feel alone.

Between turning 30 last fall and not having children and having my husband working constantly, I've been struggling to remain positive. I am grateful. But I'm also feeling like life is passing us by. I don't know what the answer is but I know I need a change of heart. I've been praying for one. Even if the circumstances don't change, I pray that God will change me so that I can deal with the circumstances.


bekahcubed said...

I don't have any words of wisdom or advice, but know that I am praying for you.

Johanna said...

Maybe a baby is exactly what you need. We can't always wait until everything is just so--that time may never come.

Anonymous said...

I know and have experienced the many faces of depression, which certainly can make life challenging.

With my current illness, I don't seem to be doing much "fun stuff" anymore either with my husband. Like you, I struggle with maintaining contentment, but "longing for the days" of having what I feel is a "normal life." It's a frustrating battle, indeed!

There really are no real answers or advice anyone can give. As a believer in Christ, your true, first, and only resort is to remain steadfast in the Lord through constant prayer.

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts. Hang-in there dear friend, and know you are not alone.


Anna said...

Depression is a tricky thing, because some of it may be biological, an some is created by our situation or human behaviours. Since you cannot fix the biology, try doing what you can for the rest. Reading your Bible is a great start!

Perhaps it would help you to get out of the house for volunteer work. Doing something for others often helps lift depression, and also will help you engage with other people more so that you're not just sitting and waiting for DH to finish work. (That's never fun)

As for Babies - when God provides them, he also provides the way to take good care of them. "Take no thought for the morrow . . ." - God will provide. I had my first infant at 41 - so don't feel like 30 is necessarily too old. ((Hugs))

Julia said...

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way. I wanted a baby way before my hubby was ready for one and I know the heartache and even depression that I went through. Of course, only God alone can feel our needs but I hope you are able to talk to your hubby (in the little time you get with him) about your desire and needs of your heart. I know that even a man who was not sure he was ready or wanted a child, heart can be changed. Today our son turned two and his daddy is more into him then anything on earth.
I hope God can come close to you and heal your hurt....and give you the desires of your heart!!!!

make.share.give said...

Just went to check- you're already on my prayer list (added last September :)
I'll especially pray about the change of heart you mentioned and some ways to cheer you up.

Could winter be playing a part? It's been awful tempting to get sweats on after school and sit on the couch til bedtime. It's starting to stay light a little more each evening, and spring is on its way!

Lisa in Texas = ) said...

Just wanted to leave a note to let you know that you are not alone.
I have found that in the more difficult times is when my relationship with Jesus grows stronger and that helps make the hard times worth it.
You will be in my prayers, Lisa :o)

Carrie said...

Ok, got to this post. What Bekahcubed said: no concrete thoughts but as I struggle through the cloudy days (wherein my husband is also working lots of extra hours and I feel strangely alone even with three small children clinging to me!) I will remember to pray for you also. Wisdom. Grace. Change wherever it is needed.

Anonymous said...

I read your next post too, but just wanted to tell you here that I've been there. There are a lot of awful things going on in the world and the difficulty with children is a huge emotional issue regardless. I recommend a gratitude journal to help turn you thoughts to the positive side of things.